September 6th, 2005 | The lowdown by Aliwyn Cole

A Beginner's Guide to Real Thai Food.

Before I came to Thailand, I had heard how delicious Thai cuisine was. I’d been to a couple of posh dinners at Thai restaurants in London, and loved the prawn cakes and red curry.

So, when I arrived in the darkest depths of a Thai town, I practically ran to the nearest market to stuff myself with fried rice and prawns, chicken curry, and spring rolls. However, when I scanned the food on display at the local market, I didn’t find any of my favourite Thai treats. Instead, I saw strange coloured sauces, dishes with whole red chillies, black shelled crabs, chicken claws, pigs’ intestines. Whole fish glared helplessly at me, along with the Thai traders when I asked them for a chicken satay.

What I had begun to discover, in fact, is that Thais eat a very different diet to what they sell in the main tourist areas and in the authentic Thai restaurants in the west. In actual fact, Thais will eat anything they can, and disguise it in all kinds of herbs and seasonings. Fat is an extremely popular ingredient in many dishes, and every other part of the animal is eaten as well.

If you like spicy food, then make sure you ask for it, as it is automatically assumed that if you are western, then you can’t eat spicy, and sugar will be added to your food instead.

Here is a rough guide to some of the popular dishes that I now enjoy in Bangsaen, Thailand.

Kao yum.
First impressions. Looks like brown dumplings.
Ingredients. Savoury sticky rice balls, which are mashed up with chilli powder, lime, herbs and onions, and white rinds of pork fat which are so white they almost glow. It is then topped with peanuts and whole dried chillies, and served with salad.
Last impressions. It is one of my favourite dishes, although I have never had the courage to try it with the pork fat.

Kao Ka Moo.
First impressions. A huge slab of pork meat and fat, steaming on a pan.
Ingredients. It is basically white rice, topped with steamed pork meat and, wait for it, juicy fat, dark green cabbage, half a boiled egg, and sweet gravy.
Last impressions. This is a popular dish with western men, probably because it is so meaty. Again, I always ask for it without the fat.

Som Tam.
First impressions. Looks like a lot of grated vegetables with black crabs sticking out everywhere.
Ingredients. A spicy salad made from grated papaya, tomatoes, chillies, garlic, lime, and very importantly, fish sauce. Crabs can be added. It is pounded in a pestle and mortar, and topped with peanuts and dried prawns.
Last impressions. This is a favourite Thai meal from the north, and is traditionally served with barbecued chicken and sticky rice. It took me a while to try it, but now its one of my favourite meals. This dish is an acquired taste, and be careful if you aren’t used to spicy food, as it can cause, in the words of Johnny Cash, a ring of fire the next day. I haven’t quite had the courage to try it with the crabs.

Fried Fish.
First impressions. A huge fish which is completely deep fried whole.
Ingredients. Fish, and lots of it. Toppings such as garlic, chillies, sweet sauce.
Last impressions. A bit scary at first when you are looking at a face, but the delicious smell then hits you and before you know you’ve eaten every bit off the bones, including the eyeballs if you’re Thai.

Durian.
First impressions. It stinks. Pale yellow creamy-looking fruit, shaped like a pasty.
Ingredients. A pretty powerful recipe from nature. Thais warn you not to eat too much, as you could die from over consumption. At best, you’ll end up with severe indigestion.
Last impressions. It still stinks, and tastes a bit chemical to me. Posh hotels have signs stating no durian allowed, along with pets and smoking. That’s the truth, not just a daft attempt at a joke.

Joke, or Rice Porridge.
First impressions. A peculiar combination of savoury ingredients, all stirred up together.
Ingredients. A bowl of boiled white rice, prawns or minced pork, and almost raw egg. Instead of sugar or honey, the toppings are grated ginger and spring onion. The Thais then add fish sauce, chilli powder, and sugar, and frantically stir it all up together.
Last impressions. I like it, and it fills you up for the whole morning.

Phad Thai.
First impressions. Thin white noodles which seem to be fried up with just about everything the chef has in the kitchen.
Ingredients. Prawns or meat; tofu; vegetables, nuts, dried prawns, and lots of oil. Served with lime and raw bean sprouts, and then stirred up all over again.
Last impressions. Not too spicy and quite delicious if you can handle the amount of oil it has been fried in.

Kao Pat, or Fried Rice.
First impressions. This dish is much the same as what can be found in the freezer department in your local supermarket, except here it’s called Kao Pat or, if the chef speaks English, Flied Lice.
Ingredients. You know, white rice fried up with vegetables and meat or prawns, which is served with chilli soy sauce.
Last impressions. Thais consider it to be a fancy rice to accompany other dishes at a dinner party.

If you really can’t bring yourself to try the local cuisine, and are craving the western tastes, then there are of course the usual fast food chains, such as McDonalds, KFC, and Pizza Company. Personally, I’d rather eat the fat and black crabs.