October 28th, 2003 | The lowdown by Jara Gatti

German Efficiency de-mystified

I have done a bit of traveling inside and out of the country, weighted down by guidebooks like a pack horse, and I'll tell you, no amount of guide book reading can really prepare you for spending extended periods of time in a foreign country.

Take me here in Germany. I've been here before to visit, one of my closest friends is German, I've studied German for 2 years in college, and I thought myself to be a fairly open-minded and adaptable person. But try telling that to the guy who crows "Thank you very please!" and then laughs hysterically with his buddy when you fumblingly ask where the bathroom is. Or to the enthusiastic German student guides who drag you around on foot for hours a day, days on end, with no apparent purpose or English in mind, during the worst heat wave Europe's seen in years. Or to the lady at the library, who insists on seeing your passport, residence permit, proof of enrollment, and 10 other unpronouncable documents before issuing you a library card. Minor incidents, of course, but these little things that happen every day add up to a big reminder that no, you are not in America anymore.

Then, of course, for those of you who will be coming to Germany soon, I gotta mention a phenomenon we've termed "German Efficiency", or GE. Be aware of GE, which pops up in the most (seemingly) innocuous situations. GE is when they send you your new ATM card a week after you open your bank account, but they mail our your PIN# two weeks after you open your bank account. GE is the fact that the one boy they have in charge of dorm room internet accounts goes on holiday every week during his one office hour. GE is the fact that many cashiers will not accept copper 1 and 2 cent coins, although they will be more than happy to give them to you as change. GE is the library system, whereby you can check out a book yourself using a machine without a hassle, but when the machine is down and you get checked out by a worker, you have to show ID above and beyond the library card, or face a stern lecture.

Or how about this one: you go to one of the huge public pools - a Schwimmbad. These places have huge, water-park style slides (although without the water park-style steel girders) and a bunch of diving boards, some up to 30 feet tall. And you have kids crowded all over the diving platforms, jumping off at the same time, swimming around underneath, and no one says a word. No on supervises the kids on the slides, either, so they’re pushing and shoving up the rickety stair cases, sliding down 3 at a time and backwards. But try to go in the pool with a tshirt on. I dare you.

But probably my favorite example has got to be the toaster in my friend's communal dining area. It's glued onto the table, in the most annoying position possible, and its cord goes straight up to the ceiling, where it runs under thumb tacks for 5 feet over to the wall, and from there snakes down to the outlet, dividing the common room like a piece of tape laid out by arguing siblings . Examining this one drunken evening, an American friend and I tried to see the logic behind this set-up. Why not put the toaster on the counter in the kitchen, near an outlet? Or put the table against the wall, if you must have it in the dining room? Is there some burning need to have the toaster at the table? A mad rush for toast that can only be satisfied from a sitting position? A German defended the toaster by saying, "if you ran the cord along the floor, someone could trip.“ German Efficiency at its best.

Now don't get me wrong. I love Germany. It's a beautiful country and in some aspects more advanced that the US. It's just that sometimes they try a little too hard and end up making things far more complicated than they need to be.

Now for some practical advice that I think will come in handy for you no matter where you happen to arrive in Germany, I want to point out a few things that aren't likely to be found in your trusty guidebook. One thing I've noticed that has had harrowing consequences for me is that oftentimes the local train/tram/bus stops in German towns are not named after the streets they're on or even the corner they're near but rather some random street in the neighborhood. So when you get off the bus at Theodor-Heuss-Straße, don't necessarily expect to be on or even near THS, and do NOT attempt to talk to the driver.

This is why I recommend having a German Stadtplan, or city map, which are always excellent, to compare against the often deficient or out-of-date train/tram/bus maps which are usually posted at stops and on the cars themselves. Another thing to know is that German city planners seem to be unusually stingy with their street signs; sometimes there aren't any at all, and other times, especially at a Platz (square or plaza, very common) or at a huge, muddled junction of 5 or more streets that the Germans seem so fond of, the signs are ambiguous, seeming to point down several streets at once or out into space.

Also, German streets have a tendency to suddenly change names, sometimes at every major intersections for blocks on end, so that just adds to the confusion. Since German cities are so old, the Innenstadt, or town center, will usually be laid out like a cobbelstoned maze, with streets that are curved or circular, tiny chunks of street connecting 2 avenues, sudden turns or ends at a Platz or parking lot, and crumbling walls winding around the whole mess. But this is usually the area where you will be, since the downtown areas are often where many historical and cultural sites are, and are also densely packed with shops and cafes.

These are the areas of beautiful architecture, rivers, fountains, statues, museums, churches, ample shopping and eating, and usually a Rathaus (city hall) or 2, which tend to be intricately constructed and spired. Look for the Fußgängerzone, or pedestrian area, where you can hang out and buy a tshirt that says "DDR", eat a huge bratwurst, and drink so much bier that the German Efficiency starts to make some sense.