September 4th, 2006 | The lowdown by Joanne Bell

You know You’re in China when… There Are Fake Westerners.

From the moment I crossed the Hong Kong border things changed. I began to notice the sly glances, muffled giggles and outright staring which could only mean one thing - I was in China. Since then I’ve been gawped at in lifts, stalked in the supermarket and frequently pummelled with alcohol in bars. My friend and I once passed an entire hour waiting for a bus to move by categorising the stares we got (from ‘the corpse’ to ‘the Elvis’). It’s all indicative of an unalterable fascination the Chinese have with the weird and wonderful foreigner.

In larger cities I guess I thought you’d get less attention. I was wrong. In Beijing I was asked to be in no less than five people’s pictures. More surprising still was Chendgu, Sichuan’s capital and home to the pandas. A glittering city of neon and high rise buildings, it’s littered with Western restaurants, cafes and people. Arriving in the city with our Chinese friend, we were shown what he dubbed the ‘most modern’ street in China. We figured it had to be worth a look. In the frenzy of New Year celebrations the streets were bustling with shoppers admiring lantern displays. On one side of the street a particularly large crowd had amassed, flashing their cameras in every direction. As we peered through to catch our own glimpse I was amused and bewildered by what I saw. A full set of freshly lacquered fake Westerners were bolted to the ground. Complete with bum bags and mobile phones, the ‘celebrities’ were gripped by tourists eager to get their picture. There was only one thing to do–stand perfectly still and wait for someone to take our arm.

I’ve since discovered that this bizarre phenomenon is spreading. On Guangzhou’s Shamian Island the streets are filled with American couples and their new Asian babies. The small 7-11 has a whole section of baby food and the shops nearby are filled with tiny Chinese clothes. The colonial feel of the island is enhanced by several bronze statues. Only on second glance did I realise what they were - an assortment of Westerners including an old couple with a baby in a buggy-as always the bum bag gave it away.

Three words, my friends: only in China.